School again..

I can't believe in the space of two weeks my whole mind can change about school. At the beginning I was feeling optimistic, like this was a fresh start for me. Now I'm just feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's like I feel like I'm not even friends with my friends in yr 11. They seem to have fitted together even more strongly since year 12, and I thought that would happen to me because I became more friendly with S, but instead I'm just drifting away, in my mind anyway.
When we are all together in a group, I just feel like I'm not part of them. And the thing is, I feel like I don't really want to hang around with them anymore.
I really don't belong anywhere.

I'm just going to throw myself into activities such as rec. and leisure and basketball....

Detached...

..that's just how I feel when I'm with my friends. Because they're so frivolous and happy. And I'm clearly not. Especially N. It's like she has practically no cares in the world. It seems like so far, she's just had no troubles in her life, it's all carefree.
I feel like telling her that life is completely the opposite, it's rubbish.
I feel a bit jealous of her because she's never had anything really bad happen to her. But then again, I think that she's really trivial.

Dad is so crap. If he wasn't here life would be so much better. He's already succeeded in making all of us antisocial and shy. And it just gets worse when you get older because you feel more restricted and then your friends are becoming more free. And they just don't understand when you tell them your parents don't let you do anything. Dad has completely messed us up psychologically.

It's really saying something when me, Fatima, Amina and Salima keep having violent dreams. I think we have all had many dreams about Dad being violent. It's obviously something that hovers in our subconscious, like when he's going to go mad again. Or crazily religious. I don't know which one is worse.

It really annoys me when my friends act like they've got it worse than you when they even know that they haven't.

By the way I really really wanted Siobhan to become Maria in The Sound of Music theatre performance. I guess she wasn't ready for it, but I would have preferred it was her than Connie.

A week or so of school..

..I don't really know what to say about 6th form. I don't like the fact that we have to be so independent about work and basically we're seen as adults. I don't like it because at home I'm treated so differently. Also, everyone else seems to have grown up, matured and they're actually allowed out of the house.
I'm just worried about all the times my friends will ask me to go out with them. What can I say? I'm going to have to make up excuses all the time. It just gets kind of tiring, I just feel like telling the truth. But they wouldn't understand anyway. Like in the Agatha Christie's "Appointment with Death" there's Mrs. Boynton who completely controls her children and another character says that it sounds so unbelievable that it could happen, but it does.
I know I'm not making sense, but whatever.
I also wish that Alice didn't know where the takeaway is. What if she comes in?It will be so fucking embarrassing that I don't want to even think about it.

Anyway, about schoolwork. The gap between GCSEs and AS levels is really big. I think I will just have to study hard. Especially Chemistry.

By the way, just for the record as I kept complaining about the GCSEs, I got 6 A*s, 4A's and 1B.

I have to do a speech on Thursday in registration, about 5 minutes or something. The teacher said that it can be funny, but I would just look stupid. I'll probably do something about current affairs, the wars or something.

I know this sounds weird, but I think overall, 6th form is having a good effect on me because I know that I am not as quiet as before and not as "scared" of people. I don't know.