At school

I've realised just how much I don't like my friends anymore. It's just that their at a stage in their life (I hope) where they are completely flippant about everything and all they talk about is boyfriends and meaningless stupid things that are just a waste of time. I feel completely detached from them, in fact I can actually say that it is only S who is keeping me being friends with them. Also, I know they don't like me. Or to put it simply, they are completely indifferent. And I don't blame them in the slightest; I don't speak so why would they particularly like me?
I don't want to go to Nando's with them onThursday. And to be honest, they probably wouldn't notice that I wasn't there.

I hate Dad. It's him whose made me like this. I just feel like I can't connect with anyone. I can't have friends, only acquaintances.

That's another thing. Everytime I get to know someone, their traits just completely annoy me. And it's really stupid because to be honest, I have really irritating habits as well. But it's like I only like people who I don't know properly.

I wonder if going to Uni would change anything. Fatima will probably tell me next year.

Nov 24th

People are weird.

Tired

Fatima said to me that I really shouldn't get depressed about sixth form, like she did because it really affects work.

I guess I am not as depressed as I was in the last few entries, but I'm still not happy. Everyone has grown up and given more freedom, whereas I am just a stupid loser stuck in year 8 or 9 where I'm not allowed anywhere.

I think I've said that about a million times so I won't say it again....

Anyway, well. Fasting really drains you, and makes you really tired. I also have a parched throat, but can't eat for another four hours.

I want to go home. At the moment, I am writing this entry in school. Dad is coming to pick us up in 10 minutes but I hate the depressing IT room and want to go now. Actually, home is depressing too.

We watched Narnia yesterday. Let's just say it wasn't good. Towards the end, it got better (basically the war scene) but still...I would have preferred to watch Finding Neverland, although it has stupid Johnny Depp in it...trying to be eccentric as usual, probably.

I still really want to watch A Walk to Remember.

School again..

I can't believe in the space of two weeks my whole mind can change about school. At the beginning I was feeling optimistic, like this was a fresh start for me. Now I'm just feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's like I feel like I'm not even friends with my friends in yr 11. They seem to have fitted together even more strongly since year 12, and I thought that would happen to me because I became more friendly with S, but instead I'm just drifting away, in my mind anyway.
When we are all together in a group, I just feel like I'm not part of them. And the thing is, I feel like I don't really want to hang around with them anymore.
I really don't belong anywhere.

I'm just going to throw myself into activities such as rec. and leisure and basketball....

Detached...

..that's just how I feel when I'm with my friends. Because they're so frivolous and happy. And I'm clearly not. Especially N. It's like she has practically no cares in the world. It seems like so far, she's just had no troubles in her life, it's all carefree.
I feel like telling her that life is completely the opposite, it's rubbish.
I feel a bit jealous of her because she's never had anything really bad happen to her. But then again, I think that she's really trivial.

Dad is so crap. If he wasn't here life would be so much better. He's already succeeded in making all of us antisocial and shy. And it just gets worse when you get older because you feel more restricted and then your friends are becoming more free. And they just don't understand when you tell them your parents don't let you do anything. Dad has completely messed us up psychologically.

It's really saying something when me, Fatima, Amina and Salima keep having violent dreams. I think we have all had many dreams about Dad being violent. It's obviously something that hovers in our subconscious, like when he's going to go mad again. Or crazily religious. I don't know which one is worse.

It really annoys me when my friends act like they've got it worse than you when they even know that they haven't.

By the way I really really wanted Siobhan to become Maria in The Sound of Music theatre performance. I guess she wasn't ready for it, but I would have preferred it was her than Connie.

A week or so of school..

..I don't really know what to say about 6th form. I don't like the fact that we have to be so independent about work and basically we're seen as adults. I don't like it because at home I'm treated so differently. Also, everyone else seems to have grown up, matured and they're actually allowed out of the house.
I'm just worried about all the times my friends will ask me to go out with them. What can I say? I'm going to have to make up excuses all the time. It just gets kind of tiring, I just feel like telling the truth. But they wouldn't understand anyway. Like in the Agatha Christie's "Appointment with Death" there's Mrs. Boynton who completely controls her children and another character says that it sounds so unbelievable that it could happen, but it does.
I know I'm not making sense, but whatever.
I also wish that Alice didn't know where the takeaway is. What if she comes in?It will be so fucking embarrassing that I don't want to even think about it.

Anyway, about schoolwork. The gap between GCSEs and AS levels is really big. I think I will just have to study hard. Especially Chemistry.

By the way, just for the record as I kept complaining about the GCSEs, I got 6 A*s, 4A's and 1B.

I have to do a speech on Thursday in registration, about 5 minutes or something. The teacher said that it can be funny, but I would just look stupid. I'll probably do something about current affairs, the wars or something.

I know this sounds weird, but I think overall, 6th form is having a good effect on me because I know that I am not as quiet as before and not as "scared" of people. I don't know.

Lupin

Lupin is no more. I can't believe Gareth's family have left. Now we will never see beautiful Lupin who was the best cat in the world. He was the friendliest, cuddliest, cutest cat and now I'm never going to see him again.