At school

I've realised just how much I don't like my friends anymore. It's just that their at a stage in their life (I hope) where they are completely flippant about everything and all they talk about is boyfriends and meaningless stupid things that are just a waste of time. I feel completely detached from them, in fact I can actually say that it is only S who is keeping me being friends with them. Also, I know they don't like me. Or to put it simply, they are completely indifferent. And I don't blame them in the slightest; I don't speak so why would they particularly like me?
I don't want to go to Nando's with them onThursday. And to be honest, they probably wouldn't notice that I wasn't there.

I hate Dad. It's him whose made me like this. I just feel like I can't connect with anyone. I can't have friends, only acquaintances.

That's another thing. Everytime I get to know someone, their traits just completely annoy me. And it's really stupid because to be honest, I have really irritating habits as well. But it's like I only like people who I don't know properly.

I wonder if going to Uni would change anything. Fatima will probably tell me next year.

Nov 24th

People are weird.

Tired

Fatima said to me that I really shouldn't get depressed about sixth form, like she did because it really affects work.

I guess I am not as depressed as I was in the last few entries, but I'm still not happy. Everyone has grown up and given more freedom, whereas I am just a stupid loser stuck in year 8 or 9 where I'm not allowed anywhere.

I think I've said that about a million times so I won't say it again....

Anyway, well. Fasting really drains you, and makes you really tired. I also have a parched throat, but can't eat for another four hours.

I want to go home. At the moment, I am writing this entry in school. Dad is coming to pick us up in 10 minutes but I hate the depressing IT room and want to go now. Actually, home is depressing too.

We watched Narnia yesterday. Let's just say it wasn't good. Towards the end, it got better (basically the war scene) but still...I would have preferred to watch Finding Neverland, although it has stupid Johnny Depp in it...trying to be eccentric as usual, probably.

I still really want to watch A Walk to Remember.

School again..

I can't believe in the space of two weeks my whole mind can change about school. At the beginning I was feeling optimistic, like this was a fresh start for me. Now I'm just feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's like I feel like I'm not even friends with my friends in yr 11. They seem to have fitted together even more strongly since year 12, and I thought that would happen to me because I became more friendly with S, but instead I'm just drifting away, in my mind anyway.
When we are all together in a group, I just feel like I'm not part of them. And the thing is, I feel like I don't really want to hang around with them anymore.
I really don't belong anywhere.

I'm just going to throw myself into activities such as rec. and leisure and basketball....

Detached...

..that's just how I feel when I'm with my friends. Because they're so frivolous and happy. And I'm clearly not. Especially N. It's like she has practically no cares in the world. It seems like so far, she's just had no troubles in her life, it's all carefree.
I feel like telling her that life is completely the opposite, it's rubbish.
I feel a bit jealous of her because she's never had anything really bad happen to her. But then again, I think that she's really trivial.

Dad is so crap. If he wasn't here life would be so much better. He's already succeeded in making all of us antisocial and shy. And it just gets worse when you get older because you feel more restricted and then your friends are becoming more free. And they just don't understand when you tell them your parents don't let you do anything. Dad has completely messed us up psychologically.

It's really saying something when me, Fatima, Amina and Salima keep having violent dreams. I think we have all had many dreams about Dad being violent. It's obviously something that hovers in our subconscious, like when he's going to go mad again. Or crazily religious. I don't know which one is worse.

It really annoys me when my friends act like they've got it worse than you when they even know that they haven't.

By the way I really really wanted Siobhan to become Maria in The Sound of Music theatre performance. I guess she wasn't ready for it, but I would have preferred it was her than Connie.

A week or so of school..

..I don't really know what to say about 6th form. I don't like the fact that we have to be so independent about work and basically we're seen as adults. I don't like it because at home I'm treated so differently. Also, everyone else seems to have grown up, matured and they're actually allowed out of the house.
I'm just worried about all the times my friends will ask me to go out with them. What can I say? I'm going to have to make up excuses all the time. It just gets kind of tiring, I just feel like telling the truth. But they wouldn't understand anyway. Like in the Agatha Christie's "Appointment with Death" there's Mrs. Boynton who completely controls her children and another character says that it sounds so unbelievable that it could happen, but it does.
I know I'm not making sense, but whatever.
I also wish that Alice didn't know where the takeaway is. What if she comes in?It will be so fucking embarrassing that I don't want to even think about it.

Anyway, about schoolwork. The gap between GCSEs and AS levels is really big. I think I will just have to study hard. Especially Chemistry.

By the way, just for the record as I kept complaining about the GCSEs, I got 6 A*s, 4A's and 1B.

I have to do a speech on Thursday in registration, about 5 minutes or something. The teacher said that it can be funny, but I would just look stupid. I'll probably do something about current affairs, the wars or something.

I know this sounds weird, but I think overall, 6th form is having a good effect on me because I know that I am not as quiet as before and not as "scared" of people. I don't know.

Lupin

Lupin is no more. I can't believe Gareth's family have left. Now we will never see beautiful Lupin who was the best cat in the world. He was the friendliest, cuddliest, cutest cat and now I'm never going to see him again.

Zinedine Zidane

Despite the "sudden acts of violence" as one newspaper put it, Zinedine Zidane has got to be one of the most charismatic footballers ever. I love him.

France deserved to win the World Cup. They were better than Italy. Matterazi is a prick.

So Germany are out

Which is such a shame. I really thought and wanted Germany to win the WC. Oh well, at least they've showed the world and Alan Hansen that Germany's football team have a lot of promise and there is a future for them.
Love Lehmann, lol.

The finals is on Sunday, Italy v. France. Come on France! Zidane deserves to hold up the World Cup, considering that he is resigning after this. He really is a brilliant player, although we didn't see his skill so much in the match against Portugal.

Portugal will be playing Germany to see who gets bronze. Come on Germany! I'll be cheering you on.

In the France v. Portugal, Portugal proved to be diving losers. Okay, that's a bit harsh but it's so stupid. They were a good side (better than France, imo) and didn't need to start diving at every opportunity. It just makes people dislike their team.

I'm going to the library tomorrow, finally. Yay. My "intellectual" side of my mind was withering out. If I had one in the first place, its probably dead now.

England.

Are out, after the game yesterday.

I was so upset, especially when I saw Ferdinand, Terry, Hargreaves etc. crying. It must be so awful for them.

And Beckham has resigned. Rightly so, I must add, but I still feel sad for him. At the press conference when he read out the statement he was almost crying.

So..the match. It showed me many things;

• Rooney is a violent thug. Simple as that.
• Ronaldo is a bloody bitch who has no scruples. The wink said it all. He is a conniving, smarmy git.
• Owen Hargreaves is an amazing player, despite the amount of critisicsm he had, he came out on TOP. He was rightly named the MOTM. Brilliant playing.
• Beckham should not be playing for England. When Lennon came on, England looked better. (But I was still sad for him)
• SVE is stupid! The lone striker formation was never going to work! Even in the England v. Ecuador match it wasn't effective.
• Lampard is not ready for the WC. At all.
• Gerrard should not get so nervous in penalties, he's a brilliant player who should feel confident of his abilities.
• Ferdinand is likewise a very good player who gave 100% to the match.
• Terry is a good player and especially excelled in clearances.

Portugal are not very sportsman-like. I mean, they were diving all over the place and trying to get free kicks! Ronaldo's conduct was abominable, I bet he had a evil plot to antagonise Rooney, hence the wink at Scolari. Git.

England will not fare well with McLaren who is SVE's right hand man. He will probably employ the same tactics as SVE, or make that lack of.

Okay, well after that analysis by an inexperienced football fan, well done England. Hargreaves, you are amazing.

England, if you face Portugal in the Euro 2008, THRASH Portugal. Please.

Hopefully England will get further in 2010. I'll be rooting for you.

And right now, Portugal, Germany, France and Italy are still in. GERMANY all the way. I am desperate for Germany to win. Go Klinsman, you are a great manager (and very sweet may I add) and Germany really do deserve the win. Out of all the remaining countries, Germany are the most admirable and do not cheat or act like bitchy girls.

So, go Germany.

P.S The red writing is in honour of England, red writing, white background, get it?

If boredom kills...

...I must be a ghost.
Actually, no I'm a zombie so there's no way out.

Life is so boring. I don't want to go to school on Friday too.

The only perk for me in these holidays is the World Cup matches...lol...love watching them.

And I so wanted to watch France v. Spain today but I can't :(
Still...supporting Spain definitely, not that I have anything against France. Just really want Spain to win.

England v. Portugal on Saturday. England all the way!!
I'm just hoping the Portugal team don't go completely crazy and lose ALL discipline like they did against Holland. But to be fair, Holland went mad too. lol quite funny but I can't really see the England team retaliating..oh wait yes I can..Rooney definitely would go absolutely mad. I don't want to see that, Rooney scares me when he's angry!

Seriously the World Cup is preventing me from dying of boredom lol. Although the match yesterday, Switzerland v. Ukraine was quite boring. And I wanted Switzerland to win :(. Everyone says England are really crap but they are better than Switzerland and Ukraine!

Penalty shoot-outs are really cruel! and tense. I felt so sorry for Zuberbuhler, I think he just got nervous.

Yeah anyway today I thought of a little story to write. Well it wouldn't really be a story because it would be very short but I'm not entirely sure because I really feel like I can't be bothered to write it down. But I will!

Awww. "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts is actually a very sweet song! I told Amina ages ago that it's really cheesy. In a way it is, but it's really sweet!

Go Spain for tonight!

Holidays..hmph

Well what else is there to say apart from the fact that they are completely boring. I have nowt to do. Apart from 2 hours or so stints on the computer.

All I do is listen to music at the moment. At the moment I am obsessed with "Unintended" by Muse. I have listened to it about 7 times already today. And "Time is Running out"

Hmmm I think I should get off the computer in a minute.

Off to read Sherlock Holmes.

Heat, Exams and slow computers...

....what do they all have in common?

Answer: They are pissing me off.

I have decided that I actually don't really the heat. It makes me really annoyed and irritable. And uncomfortable. And I have to do exams in this weather.

I hate the way it penetrates you and you just feel like you can't be bothered to do anything. I swear it dulls your mind.

I know the cold isn't much better but I think I definitely prefer it.

And don't get me started on my exams rant. Considering that it is entirely my fault that I have done minimum revision but I did have obstacles, so whatever.

I don't have any exams tomorrow so I am guessing I'll be doing Chemistry, Physics and History revision all tomorrow. Ahem. Who wants to bet that I'll actually do a lot of work?

God, I am in a really pissed off mood. Everyone is really annoying me for no reason. Like when they speak to me.

I want everyone to go away.

A "How high is your self esteem?" test...

You scored 52.
"Many people think you are confident and in charge of your life. You're not so sure! It may be that you had a difficult upbringing with parents who were too demanding of you. Or perhaps you have Always felt that you're not as bright as other people think you are. Or maybe you feel unlovable.
If you're in a relationship, it's likely that you'll Often feel anxious about it. Sometimes you may worry that you'll 'muck things up'. You may also have serious concerns that your partner will 'find you out' and decide you're not worth loving. "

Okay....don't know if this is true about me...
Comment about what you think.

A moan on sore throats.

Are contending for a place in my Annoying Little Things list. I hate sore throats, they can make you feel so crap, but they are a such a small thing. I mean, if you said "I have a sore throat" people would be (quite rightly) like "Who cares" But really they make you feel so rubbish. And slightly sick too.

Yay. Mum bought me some Soothers. Some short term relief.

Went to the library today and just for old times sake, got a Redwall book that I haven't actually read. The food descriptions are mouthwathering! I don't mean to sound patronising but they are really sweet. I love it that all the good characters are completely good, with practically no bad traits. And of course, that good always overcomes evil. I love Redwall Abbey too! I wish I could live there, but I don't think I'd fit in, because all the creatures at Redwall Abbey are so peaceful and virtuous, two things I most definitely am not!

Huh.

I have done no substantial revision. I have a vague feeling that I should be revising but I can't be bothered and the day just passes too quickly. Which is pretty weird, considering I just lounge around the house all day doing jack.

It's really stupid. When I get off the computer, I am going to sit down and do some work. And nothing is going to stop me. Nothing at all.

Stupid

I don't know why, but I really feel like I always want to be in this shell where I never have to do anything, like go out into the real world.

We (me, Polly, Fatima and Salima) were talking about Fatima going on campus etc. etc. And I was trying to imagine myself going on campus or something and I just feel that I don't want to do anything, ever. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to. I mean, I have a huge mental barrier there (like the leap of faith in the park) Like not wanting to go out and get a job. I just don't want to meet or even see people anymore...
I know that everyone else in this house feels like that because of our upbringing. Especially Sam and Fahad. And Fatima. It's so unfair. When we can actually have experiences etc. we're just not going to want to be there. I now understand the appeal of living like a simple hermit.

I know I'm not making much sense. I'm confused too. Oh well. It just boils down to the same thing, as it always does: Dad. Big surprise there.

Morning

Morning has broken, like the first morning,
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird.
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning,
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven,
Like the first dew fall on the first grass.
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden,
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass.
Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning,
Born of the one light Eden saw play.
Praise with elation, praise every morning,
God's re-creation of the new day.

Remind me....

...never ever to go on people's myspaces. Ever. I don't know why I do go on them, they just piss the hell out of me. No names mentioned of course. I swear, at 16, everyone is the same. In a bad way.

I am really pissed off. Mum and Dad are the main cause. "When you're child has exams you're meant to support them" he says. "The only way to support me right now is to piss off" I say. I wish. They have to put me in a bad mood when I'm supposed to be revising don't they? I mean do they think I'm going to be dancing in glee and happiness when they are sniping at eachother? Actually make that Dad being a bastard to Mum, and Mum looking upset. GET OVER IT. It's only been happening for about 26 years. I know that's really mean but I can't help the way I feel.

About fucking apples. For God's sake.

I don't think I'll revise today. I wish I was at school. At least I wouldn't be in this depressing house.

Whew....

4 days straight of GCSE's....pretty hard going. I feel really drained and I'm really not looking forward to the next lot which start on the 5th. I know it's my fault that I did night-before revision for some of my GCSE's, but I can't help berating myself. I know that I really haven't done too well, or rather, done my best. Oh well...there's really no point saying it now. I'll just have to not do that for my next lot of exams.
Just wish I had a Time-Turner like Hermione. Actually, that wouldn't help would it? I would just be in the past watching myself doing no revision! Or my self that went into the past could revise then lock my un-revising self in the toilet, and do the exam. Make that un-rebising self! LOL! No one will get why I just said that, apart from maybe Fatima.
End of school two weeks ago. Abi made a video of 11S which I am dying to get my hands on! Helen said she'd make a copy for me and hopefully Amina will get it from her tomorrow.

So. Tomorrow, intensive revision begins.